by Joe Moore*
Avoiding difficult conversations is something that many of us learn from our experiences of the pain felt when we confront someone’s behaviour.
How can we hold colleagues accountable for changing their behaviour when we do not let them know how their behaviour affects us?
Osmosis? It’s not a great social tool to build relationships.
Sound familiar?
There is a person in your open plan office who rarely achieves deadlines and who talks loudly and often. They frequently talk about their social life, about how easily others take offence, about – well anything really.
Do we confront this person?
Usually not. ‘It’s like telling someone they have bad breath.’ That was how one person described their experience. ‘You don’t do it. You leave some mints on their desk – ask who had garlic for dinner last night – but eventually you just keep your distance.’
Keeping your distance may be a useful action to take – but sometimes it is not enough – you need to talk!
Tips on having those difficult conversations respectfully
- Acknowledge that there will be differences in how you and
others see things. We all have to get on with a wide
range of people at work – colleagues, customers, suppliers – we won’t like them all, we just need to work together
respectfully. - When it is important, let others know how you feel in a
direct and non threatening way. Create a basis for looking
collaboratively, not combatively at what you are
choosingto be concerned about. - Talk about the impact the situation has had on you. Look
people in the eye. Let the facts and your feelings talk and
not your judgement of what happened. - Ask how the situation has affected them. Many hurtful
comments are not intended – we all have gaps between
what we say and what we do. Listen more than you
talk. - Acknowledge your contribution to the situation. Someone
who does not agree with you may not be wrong. - Invite the other person to work with you to make things
better. Ask them what they think would help you to work
together more collaboratively?
*Joe Moore is Managing Director of ProActive ReSolutions – an international company focused on building more respectful behaviour between people. Contact ProActive ReSolutions at info@proactive-resolutions.com or “take the test” – learn more about what you could do to help people take responsibility for resolving day to day disagreements.
