Local Government Focus has a fun look at what didn’t happen in 2011
|
January 2011 – ALGA Board to replace Australian Test Team
In a bold power move, the Australian Local Government Association has taken over the Australian Cricket Board.
President Genia McCaffery has said the amalgamations would create economies of scale.
"There are a lot of common factors between cricket and Local Government that are not immediately obvious," she said.
"For example, every Australian cricketer lives in an area covered by a Local Government.
"What more evidence, do you need?"
Eyebrows were raised when Paul Bell announced that he would be opening the bowling for Australia with Barry Easther.
Genia McCaffery will bat down the order at number six. Kym McHugh is the opening bat. Ray Donald will, of course, be first drop. Bill Macarthur will provide the spin while Tony Pickard is left carrying the drinks.
Defending the selections, Paul Bell said we can’t do any worse than the current Ashes defence.
"But our special diet of cabbage and cheese will give us the edge." he said.
February 2011 – LGAT moves to dump Royal Family
The Royal Family of Denmark will now replace the Queen after a unanimous vote of the Local Government Association of Tasmania(LGAT).
Speaking after the historic move, LGAT comptroller Hamlet Svendsen said the success of Princess Mary and a favourable deal on cheese and cabbage exports as a sweetener made the deal inevitable.
"It is surprising that no one thought of transferring to Denmark previously," he said.
"After all, do you want Prince Charles or Princess Mary? There is no choice."
"The historic links between Tasmania and Denmark are overwhelming.
"Hobart will be changing its name to Copenhobart.
"In other changes, Hamlet will be required reading in its traditional Danish," he said.
"Vi er danske her i Tasmanien."
March 2011 – Lord Mayors on tour again
In great news for thousands of fans, the Lord Mayors have reformed and will be on the road again.
The hard driving punk rock band formed exclusively of Lord Mayors, broke up after a legendary concert in Adelaide, where Lord Mayor Stephen Yar Yar Yarwood thrilled the home crowd by body slamming off the stage during a rendition of the Danish national anthem.
Melbourne Lord Mayor Robert Mad Dog Doyle accused him of having no artistic integrity after it was revealed mattresses were placed on the floor to break his fall.
"Sure, if you dive off into a vat of cabbage and cheese that is art. But mattresses deny you street cred."
The group broke up citing artistic differences.
The band has been compelled to pay a $1 million bond after trashing the Intercontinental in Sydney.
Tour dates will be announced soon, with the support act Planning Committee likely to tour with the group again.
April 2011 – Danish wafer backlash
Local governments have been forced to backtrack on a controversial plan to introduce Danish wafers in coffee breaks.
Councillor Helle Thorning-Schmidt said the plan was a slap in the face for Local Government and threatened a walkout when cheese and cabbage was taken off the menu.
"I am not opposed to change, but it should be sensible well thought out change, that does not change anything much," she said.
"We have pushed the Danish wafer decision to be reviewed by a panel comprising a wide range of councils with a broad brief to review the decision and to make further recommendations on what other committees can be created to see that no further decisions will be made.
"Furthermore the whole policy background should be reassessed, while a cost benefit analysis be retained.
"Nothing could be fairer than that."
May 2011 – State Government to end blame game
Described as the single greatest achievement in Australian history by those who did it, State Governments across the country have joined forces to end the blame game with Local Government.
A joint communiqué said:
"The State Governments of Queensland, South Australia, Victoria, Western Australia, New South Wales, and Tasmania hereby declare that all the social, political, environmental and economic problems in the country are caused by Local Governments.
It is only through the damage control and inspired leadership of State Governments that anything can get done at all."
A spokesperson for the State Governments would not take further questions.
June 2011 – Melbourne Lord Mayor joins Occupy Movement
In a shock announcement, Melbourne Lord Mayor Robert Doyle, has given up the bass guitar, has sold off the Mayoral car and rented out his office to homeless groups.
The Melbourne City Council has moved its corporate office to the city square, to put it in Doyle’s word ‘so at least someone is now using the space.’
Cr Doyle said the occupy movement was leading the way in reducing greenhouse gas emissions and it was time to join the leaders.
Speaking from his tepee, the councillor formerly known as Robert Doyle, now called Great Chief Sky Spirit, has been developing Zen mastery of lentil cooking using a solar lantern.
"I will be combining the dahl with cheese and cabbage.
"I am in touch with my inner karma." he said.
July 2011 – Clover Moore to run for PM
In a sudden change, Sydney Lord Mayor has decided to add Prime Minister to her list of duties.
"How difficult can it be," she said.
"When I run everything, all will be fine. It is all about priorities and not letting it go to your head."
Cr Moore has denied any plans to become Secretary General of the United Nations.
"That is utter rubbish, although I do have about two hours on Tuesdays, which I will designate for International affairs.
"Cabbage and cheese imports will be the first order of business."
August 2011 – Local Governments to secede
Six Local Governments in Queensland are set to secede from Australia as funding talks break down over cabbage prices.
Prime Minister Julia Gillard said it would be unfortunate if Local Governments were to leave the country.
"Councillors should take a deep breath before moving forward on this issue." she said.
High level negotiations have begun after six councils in Queensland voted to secede.
Most have set up tariff barriers on non-agricultural goods and all cheese and cabbage merchandise.
Party pies could be next on the hit list.
ALGA President Genia McCaffery said the association did not endorse secession, but could understand the reasons behind it.
"It makes no sense to start building moats around Local Government municipalities," she said.
"Particularly with the water restrictions."
September 2011 – London, New York, Paris, Hobart
Copenhobart City Council has furiously defended plans to increase its tourist potential by moving the entire island to the south of France.
Speaking through an English translator, Lord Mayor Olaf Svendsen said Tasmania is a fantastic tourist location, but it needed to tap into the main tourist markets in Europe and America.
"We are just a little bit off the beaten track." he said.
Lord Mayor Svendsen conceded that the arrival of the tug boats off Launceston without the proper permits was a mistake.
"However, we have done the economic analysis and it is perfectly clear that the move is in everyone’s interest.
"You are always going to get a few NIMBY objectors to any proposal – in this case France and Spain," he said.
"However, I am sure the combined Port Arthur – Eiffel Tower tourist park will work in everyone’s interest.
"We are looking for the long term. The Princess Mary shrine is underway. This is visionary stuff."
Lord Mayor said that Tasmania would not be entering the European Union.
"We have some money and we want to stay that way." he said.
The Lord Mayor said the venture had been an overwhelming success.
"The cabbage and cheese sales have already gone through the roof.
"It is also closer to Denmark."
Prime Minister Clover Moore was not available for comment.
October 2011 – Western Australian mega-amalgamations
The Western Australian Local Government Minister has been accused of losing the plot on council amalgamations.
WALGA President Troy Svendsen said amalgamating all Local Governments into one body was a ‘bit of an over reaction.’
"We understand the need for Local Government reform, but believe that the Local Government Minister has possibly overstepped the boundaries on this occasion.
"It does not make much sense to have one State Government and one Local Government."
WALGA is calling for urgent discussions on the issue.
The LG Minister would not respond to any Local Government Focus calls.
The Minister craftily put the enabling legislation to amalgamate all Western Australia Local Governments in legislation on cabbage and cheese imports which appeared so dull, no one read it.
|
November 2011 – Cabbage and cheese reform group tilts at power
A reform group arguing that Local Government has become obsessed with cabbage and cheese imports has been formed in Perth.
Spokesperson for the group, Enid Svendsen said it was time that Local Government started to focus on real issues.
"We’ve had too much talk about cabbage and cheese imports, as if these are the most important issues.
"There has been too little discussion on issues that really affect people, like lasagne and broccoli.
"Ask yourself, what would they do in Denmark."
December 2011 – Santa charged by parking officers
In a joint sting operation, parking enforcement officers from six states and two territories have arrested a Mr Santa Claus.
Mr Claus, aged 2012, of the North Pole was summoned to appear before Adelaide Magistrates Court.
The male Caucasian, who is described as portly, was arrested for 14 million counts of parking violations across Australia on Christmas Eve.
An official said his threadbare excuse was that he was giving toys to children.
"You cannot park a sleigh on a roof. It is a clear cut open and shut case."
Animal welfare officers and occupational health and safety inspectors are also looking at claims that he used chimneys to deposit the goods and that the deers he used pulled the sleigh for the entire evening.
"This man is a menace and it is only the tip of the corner of the iceberg. We will also get him on air transport regulations."
"The man was also illegally importing high amounts of cabbage and cheese.
"Just because Denmark is close to the North Pole, there is no excuse for parking offences.
"We’ve got him on customs avoidance."
No cabbages were injured in the writing of this column.
Nothing on this page is true.
This is a work of fiction. Names and places have been changed to protect the innocent.